Marriage Crisis and Divorce

A marriage crisis precedes every divorce. It can last from a couple of months to a couple of years. In each case, spouses start to feel alienated from one another. They do not consider their marriage a place they want to spend the rest of their lives.

The alienation process starts when one spouse begins to feel dissatisfaction and loneliness. Usually, a wife experiences these feelings first, while the husband often remains unaware of what is happening. The inability of one spouse to recognize difficult emotions their partner is experiencing – is by itself a sign of a real marriage crisis leading to a divorce. When the other spouse eventually becomes aware of alienation, they usually react with disbelief, shock, anger, and resentment. Statistic suggest that majority of divorces are initiated by women. The spouse (usually the husband) who ignored their partner’s unhappiness begins to experience fear, hurt, humiliation, resentfulness, and often anger. Many feel betrayed and want to hurt their spouse through the divorce process. At that point, the stage is ready for an all-or-nothing legal dispute.

Divorce is a legal process that involves multiple challenges. It is an emotionally and financially draining experience and a time-consuming process. Marriage dissolution requires dealing with marital property distribution, child custody, child support, parenting time allocation, and spousal support.

But does divorce necessarily have to be a such a damaging experience? Does each divorce involve a legal battle that further deteriorates relationships between former spouses? It depends on which method you choose for your divorce.

Litigated Divorce Makes Things Worse

Traditionally, divorcing couples end their marriage in court. Litigation is a court process involving strict rules. In Illinois, a no-fault divorce state, spouses do not have to prove guilt. The only reason for divorce is irreconcilable differences and a breakdown of their marriage. However, divorce requires dealing with issues such as child custody, child support, marital property division, and alimony, which unless the couple agree upon  will demand proving your allegations in Court so a judge can decide. That is why going through different stages of litigated divorce can be emotionally and financially exhausting.

Litigation is a public court process. Everything shared in litigation becomes part of the publicly accessible record. Unfortunately, the vindictive atmosphere of litigation, can often lead to destructive, embarrassing or private information becoming part of the public court record.

The litigated divorce process is adversarial, meaning that spouses and their attorneys engage in a nasty legal battle to win the case regardless of the consequences. Litigation is a zero-sum game.

Since losing is not an option, parties and their attorneys use various strategies to defeat their opponent. In doing so, they often do not adhere to the highest ethical standards. Airing each other’s dirty laundry by disclosing sensitive personal information is one of the methods parties sometimes use to conquer, or embarrass their adversary. Watching their parents humiliate each other in public, or even worse being pulled into their parents’ divorce can leave permanent emotional scars on children.

In litigation, the winner takes it all. But victory comes with a price, both financial and emotional. Winning the case in court usually means further disruption of relationships between former spouses. As parents, they cannot maintain productive communication and efficient co-parenting. In that way, children emerge from litigation as the biggest losers. Litigation is also more expensive than mediation or a collaborative divorce.

Unfortunately, litigation does not only disrupt relationships between spouses. Both spouses have a network of supportive friends and relatives who turn against each other, creating the so-called tribal warfare phenomenon.

Mediation – a Balanced Way Out

Unlike litigation, mediation involves a neutral third party facilitating the negotiations between the spouses. The mediator helps spouses express their feelings and bridge their differences through peaceful talks.

In litigation a judge makes all of the decision and has to adhere to strict formal rules. There is no place for informal exchanges between the parties. The rigidness and adversarial nature of litigation create a highly-stressful environment. Conversely, the mediator holds private and joint sessions in a friendlier and more relaxed environment. The informal atmosphere of mediation reduces anxiety, allowing the spouses to open up about their feelings and talk sincerely about disputed issues. Dealing with child custody, child support, and marital property distribution is more effective through open discussion and negotiations.

Meditation is confidential, meaning spouses and the mediator cannot reveal information shared during mediation sessions. Confidentiality creates an environment of trust, enabling the free flow of information.

As opposed to litigation, the mediation process allows spouses to let off steam through the free expression of their genuine emotions. After emotional discharge, spouses are more likely to see things rationally and engage in respectful conversation. The mediator facilitates their talks encouraging them to settle issues related to their marriage in a way that is best for and tailored to their family.

The central feature of mediation is a sense of control and acknowledgment. Unlike the court process where judges impose their binding decisions, parties in mediation have greater control over the process. They can change, or modify the mediation, or even abandon negotiations. The mediator does not have decision-making authority. The couple decides how to proceed. Besides, since a divorce is a highly emotionally charged situation, the spouses feel better, and can arrive at more durable agreements knowing their emotions are acknowledged.

With its non-adversarial, neutral, and balanced approach, mediation can bring back disrupted balance and lead to improved communication and co-parenting dynamic between the parties. Improved communication between the spouses does not necessarily prevent divorce. However, it helps build positive post-divorce relationships. Keeping open and respectful communication is crucial for maintaining a productive co-parenting relationship, from which children benefit the most.

Bring Back Balance with the Right Mediator

Anna Krolikowska is a trained family mediator, collaborative lawyer, and the immediate past president of the Illinois State Bar Association President, and the Illinois State Delegate to the American Bar Association.

With years of experience mediating family disputes, she can bring back the balance between divorcing spouses by facilitating their negotiations toward a mutually beneficial settlement.

Please reach out today to schedule your appointment.

Ending the Marriage Without Children

Marriage is considered one of the pillars in everyone’s life. Although its nature and structure evolve from traditional to more modern concepts, its purpose remains the same. Marriage represents the safe harbor in which we feel safe and loved. At least, that is what everyone expects when entering the matrimony.

Spouses who have children view marriage from a different perspective. Whether you expand your family with children or not, building a family nest and nurturing strong intimate relations between its members is an invaluable life experience.

However, some marriages come to an end. Due to unbridgeable differences between the spouses, their life together becomes unbearable or meaningless.

Divorce always brings strong emotions, such as resentment, anger, sadness, and anxiety. The emotional aspect of divorce is more pronounced when children are involved. Dealing with custody and parenting time is a stressful experience for parents and children. The biggest concern during divorce is protecting the children and their emotional wellbeing.

On the other hand, in marriages without children, spouses can focus on dealing with legal matters that revolve around financial issues.

Financial Issues Involved

Divorcing without children enables spouses to separate permanently and never cross their paths again if they choose to do so. They are not bound together as parents for the rest of their lives.

Although free from sharing parenting time and other child-related concerns, the divorcing spouses deal with three vital financial issues: identifying separate property, division of marital assets, and spousal support.

Before approaching the division of marital property, the spouses must first identify their separate property. That is the property each spouse had before marriage, such as the real estate, earnings acquired before entering the matrimony, etc. In Illinois, inheritance or gifts to one spouse are separate property, although the inherited property can turn into the marital property (depositing inherited money into a joint bank account). Sometimes a property one spouse acquired before the marriage (family home) is upgraded by the investment of the other spouse. In that case, the other spouse may seek compensation for the upgrades.

All other assets acquired during the marriage are considered marital property. In Illinois, judges divide marital property based on their sense of fairness. While dividing property, they consider various factors, such as the age and health of the spouses, their current income, including the projected economic standards of each spouse.

Spousal support or alimony is another financial issue that spouses without children address during the divorce. The so-called maintenance payments provide the lower-income spouse with the necessary means to support him or herself. In assessing the spousal support payments, the courts consider earning capacity of each spouse and their financial needs, including tax implications.

How Can Collaborative Law Help?

As an out-of-court dispute resolution method, collaborative law offers far more benefits in dealing with financial aspects of divorce than traditional litigation.

The central feature of the collaborative law process is the cooperation between the parties and their attorneys. With participation agreement, spouses commit to using their best efforts and conducting themselves in good faith. Unlike litigation, where the opposing attorneys engage in an all-or-nothing court battle, collaborative law attorneys cooperate in creating an atmosphere of trust. The spouses participate in multiple meetings, agreeing to disclose all material facts, including financial-related information. The openness and transparency of the collaborative law process make it best suitable for resolving complex financial matters involved in a divorce without children.

Identifying separate property and the division of marital property are interconnected aspects of dealing with property issues during divorce. In litigation, the judge divides property by considering multiple factors, such as the length of the marriage, contribution to marital property, the educational and career opportunities of the other spouse, etc. In Illinois, as a no-fault divorce state, the fact of one spouse engaging in adultery or other misconduct is irrelevant in marital property division. That may seem unfair, and it usually is.

On the other hand, collaborative law seeks to establish a common ground between the spouses. By working together in close cooperation, collaborative attorneys encourage spouses to settle property division issues. Instead of waiting for a binding decision of a state-appointed judge, the spouses control the process and negotiate a fair and mutually beneficial solution. Such an approach is always just for both sides.

Likewise, collaborative law proves to be a more compassionate approach to alimony, too. As mentioned, the courts analyze various factors when deciding on maintenance payments. However, judges usually do not consider the emotional effects of ordering spousal support. If one spouse is entitled to support, that does not mean that awarding them payments is always a fair decision. The judges ignore the underlying psychological factors of divorce. That is why they cannot find the right measure in ordering alimony.

Contrarily, collaborative attorneys understand the emotions behind each divorce, aware that feelings of guilt and resentment are often involved in separation. Insisting on maintenance payments for a spouse who contributed to a divorce is not fair, even if they are entitled to receive such payments (as a lower-income spouse). In many cases, the entitled spouse is not willing to receive alimony because of feelings of guilt for betraying their partner. The courts are blind in recognizing that.

Acknowledging emotional, psychological, and all other aspects of the divorce collaborative law process can offer fair and mutually beneficial outcomes to divorcing spouses.

Who Is Anna Krolikowska?

Anna Krolikowska is an experienced family lawyer and a President of the Illinois State Bar Association.

Certified mediator and collaborative law professional Anna offers a unique approach to marital dispute resolution.

Using sophisticated collaborative skills nurtured over a years-long career, she can help you successfully resolve key financial issues involved in a divorce without children.

Many people will agree that the holidays have a certain energy and momentum to them that carry people from one emotionally charged holiday to the next. It seems like Halloween begins a feeling of festivity, especially for children. Thanksgiving has the power to bring people together emotionally or not.

Hanukkah and Christmas are laden with emotion, expectation, and vibes that reach back to our earliest years. Then comes New Year’s Eve which can be magnificent or crushingly painful for people who feel their personal life is out of alignment with their hopes and dreams for themselves.

Many spouses begin filing for divorce after the holidays. It may come as no surprise to you that divorce filings increase after January 1. For many people, the cycle of holidays is just too much, and they emerge from them wishing for a divorce. When prospective clients call my office after New Year’s Day we talk about several elements as preliminary to the work of a divorce filing.

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